You’ve built an identity that serves you professionally. Maybe you’re decisive, challenging, results-driven. You’ve had to be – working with big personalities, making tough calls, driving performance.
But here’s the problem: when you bring that same energy home, it doesn’t work.
Your family doesn’t need a CEO. They need a parent. They need a partner.
For years, I worked with people like Cristiano Ronaldo, Rafael Nadal, and Kobe Bryant – really big personalities who needed a coach with a strong presence.
As a coach trying to impart new strategies on them, I had to develop what I call a “tough love method” with a strong challenger personality type.
Think about it: when you do the same thing every day, over and over again, you build up routines, rituals, and habits.
But here’s the question that changed everything for me:
Is that all that I am? Am I only a challenger personality type?
The answer was no. It’s just that I’d practiced it because it served me in that professional role.
What works in boardrooms doesn’t work in living rooms:
- Kids need patience, not performance pressure
- Spouses need connection, not competition
- Families need presence, not productivity
When my first daughter Molly was about two months away from entering the world, I pulled back and asked myself a crucial question: “Who do I want to be as a dad?”
I already had a great world-class dad as a mental model. But I also chose someone else: Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers was an American children’s entertainer with an incredible, gentle, and loving way of dealing with young kids.
So I went back and studied episodes of “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” because I wanted to learn and practice his gentle approach.
Here’s what I discovered that was fascinating:
You’ve probably heard about the “Superwoman pose” – chest out, shoulders back, walk into a room and own it. The problem with that approach with kids is it can be threatening to them. We don’t need to make ourselves bigger – we’re already bigger than them.
What Mr. Rogers did brilliantly was he always made himself small:
- He got down on one knee, down on their level
- He took his shoulders and scrunched them together, making himself less threatening
- He leaned forward with his elbows on his knee
- He calmed his voice down
- “Tell me about it. How was your day?”
I practiced all of this because I wanted to make it a natural part of who I was as a parent. Now, I’ve become that type of parent with my kids. Not 100% of the time – I am not perfect. But if I can be that even 20% of the time, that makes a big difference to a kid.
But here’s what’s interesting: those skills that I developed – patience, a calmer energy – they filtered into my coaching style. They filtered into how I am as a CEO and leader. They filtered into how I show up on stages around the world.
One of the key concepts I teach in The Alter Ego Effect™ is using a physical trigger to help you switch identities – and I created exactly that for my transition from work to home.
I have a bracelet that sits on a hook when I’m coming home from work. When I put on that bracelet and snap it, I imagine Mr. Rogers and my dad showing up behind me – this warmth of a hand on my back saying, “Be a great dad.”
Even in that act, I go from having those shoulders back as Challenger CEO Todd, and everything kind of shrinks in. I make myself smaller, more approachable.
This week, I want you to ask yourself: Who do I want to be when I come home?
- Identify your professional identity – What traits serve you at work?
- Recognize the mismatch – Which of these traits don’t serve your family?
- Choose your models – Who embodies the parent/partner you want to be?
- Practice the shift – What physical or mental cues can help you transition?
- Create a ritual – How will you intentionally switch identities when you come home?
This isn’t just about parenting. This is about recognizing that we play many roles, and each role demands its own version of us.
The greatest performers aren’t the ones who are always the same. They’re the ones who become exactly who each moment demands.
When you master this art of intentional identity switching, you don’t just become a better parent… you become a more effective leader, a more connected partner, and a more fulfilled human being.
Be Bold. Take Action. Leave a Mark.
Todd Herman
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