“One of the limitations that gets in people’s way is this: they take experiences from their past and make that story about their identity.”
I shared this insight during a recent parenting summit, and it struck a nerve.
Because here’s what I’ve discovered after nearly 30 years of coaching high performers: we often start describing ourselves as victims of something, instead of recognizing that what happened was simply an experience we had.
Before we go deeper, let me share a mental model that’s served me well.
If you look at first principles and use nature as your guide, you’ll notice something profound:
Nothing is only good in nature, and nothing is only bad in nature.
Think about it: Drinking water? That’s great. Drinking too much of it? You can get water poisoning and drown from it. And the last thing you want when you’re floating in the middle of the ocean on a raft is more seawater coming over the edge.
This same principle applies to our experiences.
If we had some negative experiences when we were kids, or when we were younger, or when we were developing our sense of who we are, that thing can’t only be bad. There has to be something good in it.
As someone who came out of some very traumatic experiences when I was young, it also gave me an incredible gift. It helped me develop some of my superpowers.
Here’s where this gets critical for families: We as parents can pass on trauma, or we can pass on our own very limited or negative view of the world because of experiences we had, onto our kids.
And then that becomes their language that they use in the world as well.
Take this classic example:
“All rich people are bad.”
In my experience, some of the most generous and kind people I’ve ever met are wealthy. But if we carry that limiting belief, we pass it directly to our children.
Here’s what most people miss about difficult experiences:
People that come out of traumatic or difficult upbringings are often highly empathic or empathetic people. They’re very good at trying to pull back and relate to others. They can kind of naturally see how someone might operate.
What we label as our greatest weakness might actually be our greatest strength.
Instead of making your experiences about your identity, try this powerful reframe:
“Because that experience happened, I wonder what the gifts and the superpowers are that it gave me.”
This isn’t about denying pain or pretending everything was wonderful.
It’s about moving from “it is who I am” to “that’s an experience that I had.”
Now, I want you to examine the absolute terms you use to describe yourself:
“I’m just not a confrontational person”
“I’m just not good with money”
“I’m just not a natural leader”
These aren’t truths about your identity – they’re experiences you’ve had that you can learn from and grow beyond.
Ask yourself:
- What difficult experience am I making about my identity?
- What gifts or superpowers might this experience have given me?
- How can I reframe this as something that happened TO me, not something that defines me?
When you make this shift, something remarkable happens. You stop passing limiting beliefs to your family. Your children learn that experiences don’t define identity – they develop it.
You break generational patterns and create a legacy of growth instead of limitation.
Because here’s the truth:
We can all practice new traits and become more natural in the way that we evolve as human beings.
None of us comes fully baked with perfect skills. We just don’t. You’ve got to learn them.
Be Bold. Take Action. Leave a Mark.
Todd Herman
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